Life vs Pinterest – a fail

Pinterest, that astoundingly addictive vortex in the internet, is awash with images of pristine kitchens, crisp linens in spacious bedrooms, and totally easy and effortless solutions to storage, cleaning, fitness, eating, and otherwise existing like you live in a magazine.

I spend far too much time looking at wall storage, small space storage, crafty things and infographics about the cleanest chicken coops in the world. I wonder if I might ever have my life so in order that my home could be a popular pin.

The reality of my situation is that my life will never look like Pinterest life. I live in the countryside, where my kitchen floor is the only piece of flooring in the house that isn’t a shade of brown, but a pale cream linoleum, and it also happens to be the main thoroughfare into the house. My kitchen floor is always, always dirty. Hay, dust, animal hair and general grime blows in to my kitchen every time the door is opened – which is often.

I have no dishwasher, and only a square foot of counter space, and my kitchen always has some sort of dirty plate, mug or saucepan waiting for a load of dishes worth running a full sink of water for. My shelves and cupboards are crammed, stacked, messy and cluttered. Thanks to the epic shedding power of the big blue dog, there is blue hair everywhere.

I have stacks of post on various corners of other pieces of furniture, where I’m hoping I’ll remember to do something with it all. Half of my living room is a mess because we live in it, and half of it is a mess because we’ve never got around to making it livable. I have cardboard boxes in my hall way. My bathroom is always home to a layer of dirt and sweaty clothing, and my shower curtain has a brown mark where, with muddy hands, we pull it shut. My laundry room, which is the most poorly thought out room in existence, has a pile of clean laundry in one corner which I just haven’t got around to putting away.

Our home will never be the crisp, cold, cleanliness of Pinterest, and at times I despair at the endless work of keeping it vaguely civilised, but what it boils down to is that I am happy with our mottled brown carpet that swallows dirt and animal hair without showing a speck of the stuff. I love that we work outside so much, that we have land on which we can house our animals, that we have the dog and the cat as our companions and that they can exist as a real dog and a real cat – going outside, keeping their claws, shedding naturally with the seasons. I am glad of our dusty bathroom and the hot water that makes our pipes sing, because our hardworking bodies are in need of the steam. The laundry is never ending because we are lucky enough to move with our work instead of sit all day long.

However, I decided there was a pin that I could tackle, and be victorious. As a first-time chicken owner, I need a bit of guidance here and there, and Pinterest is readily available with tutorials on how to do your twice-yearly deep clean in the hen house. I settled on one that seemed doable. It asked for white vinegar, something that I am awash with thanks to the marvel that is Costco, and some elbow grease.

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It started easily enough. I shovelled out the old bedding, sweeping out the corners and nesting boxes, and chipping off some of the old manure that was stuck on the concrete.  Cowboy wandered by on his way to find some tools for our fence building project, and commented that it looked like I was going overboard on the cleaning. I told him to go away because I knew exactly what I was doing.

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I found a small hole in one corner of the coop that looked encouragingly like a drain, although full of old shavings. I fetched the hose pipe and my gallon of vinegar. I sprayed down the floor and sloshed the vinegar about with gay abandon.

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The water began to rush towards the drain hole. I thought I was gloriously successful, and I went away to help Cowboy build fence while the floor drained off. About half an hour later, I went back to check on the draining progress, and found…

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… a lake of watery chicken-pooy vinegary liquid, that wasn’t draining anywhere. Panic set in. I poked a screwdriver into the drain hole, hoping that it would miraculously clear. All that achieved was stirring up more chicken poo and making the water even more disgusting. I knew I had to fix this before Cowboy discovered my epic fail, seeing as he was waiting for me to get done with the hen house so I could help him with the fence.

I grabbed the shovel, and did the only thing I could think of – I shovelled the water, about a cup at a time, out of the little door to the chicken run, so that Cowboy wouldn’t see what I was doing. It was painfully slow progress. I eventually reduced the lake to just a small puddle, and I hoped that it would dry out while I went to help with fence again.

“How is your chicken project going?” Cowboy asked as I grabbed the power drill.

“Oh, fine, fine!” I squeaked. Never mind that I gave up on scrubbing the walls clean and using the shop-vac to get rid of the cobwebs. Spiders mean fewer flies, right? Spiders can stay.

The floor dried somewhat, but still had puddles on the floor here and there. My solution was to just pile two wheelbarrow loads of shavings over the top with the theory that the shavings would absorb the water and the bed was deep enough that the chickens wouldn’t feel the damp.

It seems to be working. Hens are happy enough, although still refuse to lay in the nesting boxes and prefer to lay right under the roosting perches. Birds…

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Nutritious and wholesome fail

Cowboy has gone away for the weekend to work cows, and has taken two of the horses with him. I am at home with Richard and Blue Dog, and Sunshine is learning what it is like to be at the bottom of the hierarchy as the two new training horses bully her.

I immediately intended to eat nothing but fruit and vegetables all weekend, as a gesture to my food freedom when I don’t have to feed a cowboy. I waved him off and wandered inside, intent on having the most wholesome and nutritionally rich breakfast I could muster.

Then I put Dance Moms on the tv and ate a huge bowl of frosted Mini Wheats, and had a sugar rush and a bloat for an hour or so.

After tinkering about on the internet, looking at kitchen cabinets and chia pudding and 26 life hacks for cat owners (none of which will entertain Richard in any way), I pried myself away from Dance Moms and managed to go outside and enjoy the glorious, warm, bright sunshine. By this, I mean I stood and watched the hose slowly, slowly fill up the water tanks in the main fields and thought “Well, golly it is hot today. I am going to have to take off a layer. This is terribly inconvenient.”

Sometimes it is impossible to just enjoy oneself when one is British, and thus genetically programmed to find at least one bothersome thing about any situation.

I tutted to myself, shrugged off my hoodie, and then complained to myself at how I was now perhaps just a shade too cold.

I cleaned stalls, because shovelling shit is weirdly satisfying, and decided at around 3pm that I should probably eat something absurdly nutritious and wholesome for lunch, because the healthy eating thing had better start now, so I can make the most of it before Cowboy gets home.

Then I put two slices of white bread in the toaster, and fried up some bacon for a bacon sandwich. Ketchup counts as a portion of fruit and vegetables, right?

Sunshine and I took some time to hang out together, while the weather is Not Rain, which is what it looks likely to be for the next couple of days. We didn’t ride, but we did some low energy brain work in the round pen. She was in a bit of a mood about having been chased about all day by the new horses, and not terribly keen to defer to me too, but we did get some work done, and she got some more of her winter coat rubbed off.

“I should probably have a healthy sort of snack,” I thought to myself once I had put her back out in the field to enjoy the rest of the sun. Back in the kitchen I found left over disaster cookies (I tried baking thick, gooey chocolate chip cookies the other night, and what came out was a thin, messy sheet of sugar, with chocolate chips bundled in the middle), and munched through half a pan of those, with a mug of milk.

After going out to feed the horses this evening, I came back in with a firm determination that I was going to have a good supper. Something green and nourishing and tasty.

I ate the rest of the disaster cookies and another mug of milk.

I suppose the wholesome nutrition starts tomorrow. I have prepared a small vat of chia pudding for breakfast. My kitchen is now paved with good intentions…

Things I learned in the kitchen today

Hello again. I made a few discoveries while I was puttering about in the kitchen today. None were monumental. Here they are:

  1. I am almost out of butter. I cook with butter more than oil. I thought I still had a big Costco pack of butter in the freezer. I do not. The butter shortage is making me nervous.
  2. We need more than one tea infuser for brewing loose leaf tea in a mug. I’m also running lower than I’d like on good teabags from England, so I’m tapping in to the loose leaf supplies. We have one good infuser and one bad infuser. More good ones needed, because washing them out is a pain in the backside.
  3. A single-wide trailer house has a kitchen suitable for preparing foods that come from jars or tins or packets. Less suitable for meals that require more than three ingredients to be out of the cupboards at any one time.
  4. I used to think that Pioneer Woman’s drawers for flour and sugar were excessive and decadent and why on earth would you possibly need easy access to that much flour and sugar? Having tried to make a few things in the kitchen using these ingredients, I now understand. I now aspire to having drawers for flour and sugar.

Then there’s this little gem that I discovered…

I was making cinnamon rolls from scratch for the first time, just to see if I could (hence my angst about the butter shortage), but Pioneer Woman had noted that her recipe made seven tins worth of rolls. I couldn’t fathom what I would do with seven tins of cinnamon rolls, other than spike my blood sugar, so I set about making a batch with half of the recipe. So, discovery number 5?

When halving a recipe, write yourself a note on a fluorescent post-it instructing you to halve all of the ingredients, and stick it on the screen. 

This will prevent the disappointment of stirring together what was promising dough and realizing that I have just added twice as much salt and flour as I was supposed to.

I had to sit and hug the bowl of dough and mourn for a moment, before I threw it away. Lesson learned.